Regardless of the social environment where the relationship is (couple, family, friends, work, etc.), it will be considered toxic when the people involved in it end up physically, emotionally or psychically injured. These are relationships that engage, feeling trapped in a negative network from which it is very difficult for us to get out.
If at times you would prefer not to be with that person because it makes you feel bad, because your vibration changes, because you are upset to points that you never thought you would reach, if you feel manipulated when using feelings of guilt, sarcasm or irony to contradict yourself, if you feel that You don”t deserve that deal, but you just didn”t end this relationship, so you”re stuck in a toxic relationship.
Putting our emotional state on a scale, we spend more time feeling anxiety or sadness than happiness and peace. One or both parties suffer more than they enjoy being together. Which is a significant emotional drain on them by constantly trying to convince themselves that they can save this union.
By trying to lead a cordial relationship, the person who does not transcend the discomfort ends up distorting his own reality, convincing himself that if he does not show the discomfort that certain situations produce, he will avoid a new confrontation. But is this really living or is it letting go? Not having the reins of your own life will make the situation overflow at any moment. If we do not show ourselves as we are, how will others understand us? Communication will be basic in building healthy relationships.
Each person is different and there are many ways to maintain a relationship, even so, when we talk about toxicity we find certain common features, what are they?
1. Low Self-esteem
Self- esteem is a set of perceptions, evaluations and feelings that we make about ourselves. It will be considered low when our beliefs are based on not being deserving of something better, so in the case of this type of relationship there is the idea that we cannot be without that person because they are the ones who have always been there to help us. Throughout. Recurring questions begin like who is going to take care of me? Who will love me who is going to encourage me to keep going?
2. Believe that we are the solution to your problems
On the contrary, we can have the feeling that we are saviors of that person, that we can calm his discomforts and get him to see reality from a different point of view, ideal for both of us. He fantasizes about the fact that we have come into his life to make him change, that with us things will be different. This causes a lot of frustration and a lot of suffering, since we have based our relationship on unrealistic expectations, instead of basing it on the here and now.
While it is true that personality traits can be changed in the other person, this will only happen when the other person is willing to change them and not before. So the desire to improve the life of the other does not have to mean that the other wants to improve it that is where the frustration occurs. As we saw, we cannot change the environment, but we can change the attitude with which we face it.
3. I am the victim in this story
We come to believe the hurtful words they say to us and we think who is going to love us more than he / she? If I am such a bad person and I do not deserve anything, how can I leave this relationship with the luck I have had of finding someone who can stand me? That fear of being alone and thinking that we have what we deserve, is what ends up being more limiting. Once it is a matter of insecurity.
4. Emotional Dependency
We try to fill emotional deficiencies, we pretend that the other gives us what we are not capable of managing ourselves. This feeling sometimes leads us to beg for affection and that is when emotional disagreements begin. We tend to settle for breadcrumbs, being able to fight to have the whole bread, so the feeling of wanting to get there and not getting it, ends up becoming a major source of stress.
5. Fear of being left alone
Perhaps this is the most common characteristic, since for fear of not being alone we tolerate any type of relationship, even if it makes us feel bad. But I throw a question into the air, isn”t the feeling of being alone even when accompanied?
We should not confuse loneliness with desolation, loneliness is a state in which the person finds inner peace, desolation is feeling that lack of being accompanied by someone who we consider to give us what we do not know how to give ourselves.
6. Fear of what is to come
Other people fit into this relationship, however much discomfort it brings them, for fear of moving on with their lives and opening new paths that help them grow, develop, change and excel. It is what we call the comfort zone, the one that gives us some security even if it is within a discomfort.
7. We see only what we want to see
Many times we end up bored of our own existence and look in the other facets more favorable to the state of mind, that help us to leave behind the laziness that we carry. The complication will appear when just paying attention to what we want to see, we avoid the opposite part where the toxic behaviors that we do not want to identify are found.
8. Need to fulfill a social role
It happens when we do things because “it is what you touch”. We marry at a certain age because we consider that we are getting older, we have children because we are going to pass the rice or we renounce certain individual behaviors because socially it is not well seen that you have freedom when you are in a couple, among many other things. All these types of social decisions instead of thought based on feeling, makes you prioritize what is expected of you and you do not start to assess whether the relationship works or does not work. Sometimes we try to mask reality for the sake of appearing, which is nonsense, because we will be throwing stones at our own roof and that will not bring us happiness.
Loving does not mean giving without any kind of limits, it is something that we must be very aware of. How to set such limits?
– Respect and love for oneself must be above everything, without a good self-evaluation we cannot build emotionally healthy relationships. If we do not love each other, we do not assert ourselves and we praise the qualities of the other person even though they may work against us.
– If communication with the other hurts you, you feel that it prevents you from further developing and prevents you from relegating what is important to you, you have to establish a limit and not tolerate abandoning ourselves. We must not put aside our illusions, desires and dreams to try to maintain a relationship that in the long run will end up being unsustainable.
Can you get out of a toxic relationship?
The answer is yes. We will not say that it is an easy path, because it is not, but neither is it impossible. What steps will we take?
1. The first thing will be to identify if we are really immersed in a toxic relationship or not.
2. If we conclude that yes, then we will try to find out what role we play in the relationship: savior, mistreated, submissive, etc.
3. Being clear about our participation in the plot, we will decide to leave our role looking for a change of attitude in the other person. For example, for a “hangman” role to be feasible, there must be someone who assumes the role of victim.
4. Communication will always be the basic emotional tool in all interactions. Through it we will communicate our emotions and feelings, and we will make the decisions that are most in line with our well-being.
5. We must always be clear that nothing binds us to anyone, that we are free to decide with whom we want and with whom we do not want to be, and for this the concept of oneself is very important, since as well as I value myself I will build my relationship with others.
Every relationship must be based on love, respect, communication, freedom and trust, be it a relationship of a couple, of friendship or of any other type.
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